"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom." - Thomas Jefferson
I had an awesome day today. The weather is cooling off a little bit and it is starting to feel like fall, my favorite time of the year. I had a chance to connect with three very dear people to me that I hadn't spoken to in a while. They are all very different in age, background, and how they are connected to me, but in all three conversations, I was able to talk about my situation openly and honestly. I shared about my decision to take the year off, some of my personal struggles with anxiety and stress, and how I am planning on spending the year recharging, growing, and learning.
The neat thing about each person and each conversation was that in all of them, the other person was able to share her own experience and talk candidly about how she has coped in difficult (and in some cases, very similar) situations. Their sharing was completely unsolicited, but apparently I prompted something in each of them to encourage sharing. It was brave, honest, and extremely helpful of them.
I appreciated the trust and openness it took for each of them to talk honestly about their own challenges, as well as the healthy ways they each learned (and are still learning) to overcome them. As a counselor, I have always appreciated others' willingness to put themselves "out there" and share their vulnerabilities with me. However, I sometimes found that sharing my own struggles wasn't as easy...I was the one who helped people with their problems, not have them myself! Can anyone relate?
Throughout this 180 process, I am learning to share my flaws with people without feeling embarrassed or ashamed, and the deep connections that sharing has created (in such a short time!) has been amazing. I have reconnected with old friends, gotten even closer to people I already felt close to, and overall, learned more about myself and how to accept imperfections.
It's OK to not have all the answers. No one does. In fact, when you admit that you don't have them, the process of learning from others can be incredibly refreshing. It's like we all have a piece to the puzzle, and allowing ourselves to share/borrow/accept pieces from others from time to time is a very powerful thing.
QUESTIONS FOR YOU: Is it easy for you to talk about your own struggles? Can you do it, but with only certain people?
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In general, I'm an extremely outgoing person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm an open book. I'll tell just about anyone the personal details of my life if they care to listen. It doesn't bother me because I really believe in the power of shared experience. For every struggle I have, I can almost guarantee that anyone I talk to will have some similar experience in their life. I'd never judge them, so I assume they won't judge me, especially if they've "been there, too." Professionally, my clients tend to become more at ease when they learn some of my imperfections. It even helps us to build a relationship that is about THEM and not about their "know it all coach who tells them what to do."
ReplyDeleteThat said, I can think of one person whom I find it difficult to talk with and share experiences with. This person is a terrible listener. She is someone who is so caught up in seeming to have all the answers and doling out advice that she is unable to make herself vulnerable and simply listen. I think, by talking all the time and making it appear as though she knows everything, she feels like she can avoid others perceiving her as weak and stupid. When she found out I was a wellness coach, without ever asking me a question about my life, she looked at my body and immediately told me that, in order to be successful as a coach, I'd have to lose weight, lest potential clients judge my ability to help them based on my own, fat body. This woman has no idea that I work out 4 times a week, can easily run 6 miles and have a blood pressure of 117 over 73. She also has no idea that, over the past year, I'd dealt with some medical issues that contributed to my weight gain and, subsequently, I've had to do a lot of experimenting with my diet to adjust to the changes in my body. She also has no idea how acutely aware of my own self image I already am. And she definitely has no idea of what I stand for when it comes to health (not being skinny, but being healthy!).
Am I angry with her? No. But she is someone who definitely makes me pause and think before choosing to share something with her, lest I become the subject of one of her long and very useless "how to" lectures.
Had you asked me this question a few years ago, I would have said that it wasn't easy for me to share. I was too afraid of rejection, what others would think about me and how they would use knowledge about me to hurt me.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'll tell you almost anything you want to know. I've become a lot more self-confident, and if there's a part of me that you don't like or aren't comfortable with, I'm fine with you moving on. But it's also been surprising to me that, like Laura, being more open and sharing myself with people has lead to a lot of "me too" and shared or similar experiences, and I think that I have better relationships now because of it.
Thank you both for sharing! Laura--it can be frustrating when you are trying to share something about yourself with someone else, and they try to lecture or give advice. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and nothing more. I hear you!
ReplyDeleteLyss--I am curious...what has changed to make you feel more self-confident? Just getting older and wiser or did you make personal changes to get there?