“I was painted into a corner. I was completely lost -- I didn't know what I was going to do. I wanted to learn to cook. ... It wasn't until the project was nearly done that I really understood that what I was trying to do was figuring out a new way of living and finding new experiences in life.” -Julie Powell
Hi,
Sorry it has been a while since my last post. After I came home from Florida, my body completely crashed on me. I came down with a killer sinus infection which left me basically useless to the world for about a week! It's amazing what an illness can do to shut everything down. Thankfully, I'm feeling back to normal and trying to catch up on things. Last night my husband and I went out for a pre-anniversary date. We went to one of our favorite restaurants (Friendly's...I know, we are very fancy) and then went to see the movie Julie and Julia. I'm not sure if any of you have seen the movie yet, but if my opinion means anything...
SEE IT! IT WAS AMAZING! GO SEE IT RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT LEAVES THEATERS!
...what are you doing still reading? I thought I told you to go see it?!
OK, fine. You can finish reading the blog and then you can go see it. There were so many great things about the movie...it was a great story, it had wonderful performances, and it was very entertaining. It was also very inspiring to me and I felt eerily connected to the lead character, Julie Powell. I won't give too much away in case you still want to see it (and you do! I promise!), but basically, Julie is a woman about to turn 30 who is feeling kind of stuck in her job. Her true dream in life is to become a writer so she starts a blog...and amazing things happen in the process. Um...HELLO? I know this person! :) About 50 times during the movie, I either leaned over and said, "That's like me!" to my husband or grabbed his arm or tapped his leg. I'm sure he appreciated it...I couldn't help it. There was so much I could relate to. Anyway, I won't blab on about the movie too much, but I really loved it and it was a great way to remind me that anything is possible, and that struggling 30 year old wannabe writers can still live out their dreams! Yay for the Julies of the world! :)
OK, now on to the G word. Any guesses on what it might stand for? Here it is...it's something I am trying to work on, confront, and figure during this year of change...
GUILT
Aaaaah! Does this word like to take up residence in anyone else's brain on a regular basis? I have struggled with the whole guilt thing forever. I don't need to get into the deep, psychological roots of my crazy obsessive guilt issues, but the point is...I am someone who tends to overthink, overanalyze, and over-beat-myself-up about things. I tend to feel bad if I don't live up to every little expectation, and yes...I have a teeny tiny (enormous) problem with the whole perfectionism thing. My new pal Julie Powell went through some guilty phases in her life, too. I think we all do from time to time...but I think some of us tend to do it more than others.
So here is just one example of a stupid guilt thing...I have been stressing and beating myself up lately because I haven't posted on this blog in almost two weeks. Seriously. I feel bad (and guilty!) that I haven't posted more regularly. Forget that I was sick. Forget that I was catching up on life. Forget that some nights I just wanted to veg out or sleep instead of write. None of those excuses were good enough. I was actually mad at myself. Like I had let someone down. Don't ask me who...maybe it was the Blog Gods. I have no idea.
Then came the mean self-talk: "You told yourself you were going to stick with the blog! This was part of your plan for the year! People are going to think you already gave up on it!" Yes, I know this is probably very stupid. And I guess it's a good thing that I can (sort of) recognize that it is stupid. But the fact remains: I am not very good at letting things go! That is, when it comes to me.
I can be a very supportive, forgiving, and patient person...when it comes to my loved ones. I'll be the first to give encouragement if a friend is putting too much pressure on herself. I truly believe that people make mistakes and that it's not a big deal if you mess up here and there. But I still really struggle when I make a mistake or when I mess up here and there. I'm definitely getting better at "letting things go," but I definitely have a long way to go. (See? I can't even give myself credit without saying it's not good enough! Argh!)
Someone gave me great advice once, and it's something I use when I am counseling students: the advice was, "Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend." Would you call your friend stupid if she made a simple mistake? Would you harp on your friend for days over something she already felt bad about it? Of course not, right? So why do we tend to do it to ourselves?
QUESTIONS FOR YOU: Do you have problems with the G word? How do you deal with them? If you feel like you treat yourself like your best friend, can you please give me some advice on how I can get better at it? Thanks!
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Good topic! I have always struggled with guilt which has always been tied into that stomach churning "not good enough" feeling. The key for me has been learning to sit with the feeling rather than fighting it. The more I fight it, the sicker I get. If I can sit with it, and accept the thought, it usually goes away. Something that helps me sit with things is by talking about it. I dealt with severe depression for many years, and part of what kept me so sick was not talking about things. Now, when I have those guilty, not good enough feelings that stick with me, I talk about them. Usually I end up talking to my therapist and Matt...no matter how silly or small. It is so freeing to put avoice to those feelings and admit them. Usually my therapist or Matt helps me by providing avoice of reason. Sometimes all I needed was to get the thought out of my head by actually voicing it. And if that is too daunting, for fear of being judged, sometimes just writing down your feelings can be just as freeing. Most important, thoughm, is to allow yourself to have whatever feelings without judging yourself - that only adds fuel to the fire!
ReplyDeleteBrooke, I agree!!! Being able to voice the things I feel guilt about does so much good in terms of putting the feeling into perspective.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I tend to feel guilt over procrastination. I have grand plans and go through spurts of major productiveness, and then, a big fat lot of nothing. Being able to talk about what ever it is I'm not getting done not only helps me put it into perspective, but I find when I am able to "fess up" and say aloud the things I'm feeling guilty about, I tend to create a "plan of action." Clearly, a plan to follow solves the problem of "not doing."
Oh guilt! Thou nasty, unproductive, unhelpful emotion. Why must you plague us!!!
I guess, though, I could reframe the emotion in my mind and, whenever I feel it, realize it's my cue to "talk it out." Hmmm... Good question, Julie!